- Good morning, Mrs. Statons. - Morning, madam.
Late! Late!
At last.
Sorry we're late.
Put it in the back.
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck! Right, we take yours.
It only goes 40 miles an hour.
What turnoff?
Better not be the B359.
It's the B359.
Fuck it!
Fuck!
Fuck.
Come on.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuckity fuck.
Bugger.
You look fine.
Is it twisted?
Hello! You look lovely.
Hello, Charles!
There's a greatness to your lateness.
It's not achieved without real suffering.
I am so, so sorry.
I'll kill myself after the service, if that's any consolation.
Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.
Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.
And a disastrous haircut.
You haven't forgotten the rings?
No.
Hate people being late.
Here we go.
Oh, isn't she lovely?
Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue.
Dear friends, what a joy it is to welcome you to our church...
...on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura.
Before we start the service, let us all join together...
...in the first hymn.
And did those feet...
... in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountain green
And was the holy...
... Lamb of God
On England's pleasant...
... pastures seen
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon...
... our clouded hills
And was Jerusalem...
... builded here
Among those dark satanic mills
Scarlett.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
...in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation...
...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Which is an honorable estate...
...instituted in the time of man's innocence.
- Back in a sec. - If any man can show...
...any just cause or impediment...
...why they may not be lawfully joined together...
...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Do you promise to love her...
...comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health...
...and forsaking all others...
...keep thee only unto her for as long as ye both shall live?
I do.
To love and to cherish...
Till death us do part.
...till death us do part.
Thereto, I pledge thee my troth.
And thereto, I pledge thee my troth.
Do you have the ring?
With this ring, I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow.
And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love...
...I am become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
Good point.
You know I can't smile without you
Can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew What I'm going through
Great hat.
Thanks. I bought it specially.
There.
Get in position, please.
Thank you. Smile.
Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
I thought, splendid. What did you think?
Splendid, I thought.
Scarlotta, fabulous dress!
Ecclesiastical purple and pagan orange...
...symbolize the magical symbiosis in marriage...
...between heathen and Christian traditions?
That's right.
Lovely. And again.
Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Name's Carrie.
She's pretty.
American.
Interesting.
Slut.
Really?
Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.
Only goes out with very glamorous people.
Quite out of your league.
Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
See you there.
Off you go.
Right. Reception.
Bye! Bye!
Anyone else tread in a cowpat?
No, thought not. See you in a mo.
Do you think I'd hate him as much if he wasn't my brother?
Don't want to blow chances for romance by smelling of dung at the reception.
Oh, God. I never know what to say in these wretched lineups.
It's a cinch. Give a big, warm hug and say the bride looks pregnant.
Or stick with tradition, "You must be very proud."
Heaven preserve us.
You must be very proud.
Thank you.
Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hi, we've met. It's Richard Maples. - Oh, yes.
Bastard.
- Hello, Bern. - Hello, Chuck.
Two, please.
- You have fun, now. - Take care.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
- You want one of these? - Oh, thank you.
- I... - Hello, Charles.
Hello, dear John. How are you?
Good. This is...
Carrie.
- Delighted. I'm John. - Hi, John.
How's your girlfriend?
She's no longer my girlfriend.
Don't be too gloomy. Rumor is she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle.
She's now my wife.
Excellent. Excellent. Congratulations.
Excuse me.
Any kids or anything, John?
Do we hear the patter of tiny...
...feet?
No.
Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there? No hurry.
Hi. How are you?
My name's Fiona.
I'm Gerald.
What do you do?
I'm training to be a priest.
Good lord!
Do you do weddings?
No. No, not yet. I will, though, of course.
Jolly nerve-racking.
Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.
Well, I suppose so.
Rather less messy, of course. And far less call for condoms.
Who's that boy over there in the gray?
His name's David.
Something of a dish, isn't he?
Well, I've always thought so.
Why are they?
- The dish can't hear. - Oh!
Gosh.
Yeah, silent...
...but deadly attractive.
Bang, bang, bang. That's it.
Into the marquee, please. Dinner is served.
How do you do?
Hello, Tom. Splendid to meet you.
Very exciting.
Hi.
My name's Scarlett.
Don't let me drink too much, because I'll get really flirty.
How do you do? My name is Charles.
Don't be ridiculous. Charles died 20 years ago.
Must be a different Charles.
You're saying I don't know my own brother?
No, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to drag you from your desserts.
There are one or two little things I feel I should say as best man.
This is only the second time I've ever been best man.
I hope I did the job okay that time.
The couple in question are at least still talking to me.
Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other.
The divorce came through a couple of months ago.
But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Apparently, Paula knew Pierce slept with her sister...
...before I mentioned it in the speech.
The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise...
...but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination...
...and violence that became their two-day marriage.
Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus.
And there are no skeletons in his cupboard...
...or so I thought.
I'll get to that in a minute. I'd just like to say this:
I am as ever...
...in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment...
...that Angus and Laura have made today.
I know I couldn't do it...
...and I think it's wonderful they can.
So back to Angus and those sheep.
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses.
- The adorable couple. - Yes!
The adorable couple!
Get one for me, Angus!
The first time I saw Gareth on the dance floor...
...I feared lives would be lost.
She's a pretty girl.
The one you can't take your eyes off. Love at first sight?
No, it's the bloke she's dancing with. I played rugby with him at school.
I'm trying to remember what position he played.
Though, let's say for the sake of argument...
...one did take a fancy to someone at a wedding.
Do you think there are people who can just say:
"Hi, babe. My name's Charles. This is your lucky night"?
If there are, they're not English.
Quite.
Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum.
You know I love you, Jean, don't you?
I love you. I love you.
And Mike, I've never met you before...
...but I love you very much. I really do.
Ignore her, she's drunk.
At least I hope she is.
Otherwise, I'm in real trouble.
How's it going, Lyds?
Bloody awful.
Oh, dear. What's the problem?
I was promised sex. Everybody said it:
"You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex. You'll be fighting them off."
But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Well, I mean, if you fancy...
...anything.
I could always...
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard.
- I'm not that desperate. - No, right. Of course.
Fair enough.
It's a good point.
Bye!
Have a lovely, lovely time!
Bye!
Where are you staying tonight, Charles?
Scarlett and I are at some pub.
The Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?
No. Slight change of plan.
The others are coming back to my place.
Nansy's there. Might cook us eggs and back over a late-night Scrabble.
Wondered if you'd like to join.
Yeah, great. Thanks very much.
Is there room for Scarlett?
Oh, absolutely. 137 rooms, actually.
Tommy, are you the richest man in England?
No, no!
I believe we're about seventh.
The queen, obviously.
And that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.
Well, excellent news.
I'll go tell Scarlett.
Yeah.
That's...
...unless you get lucky first.
Forget about it! Get out of it! Get out. Go on!
Hi.
Hi. Hi! I thought you'd gone.
Not yet. I was just wondering where you were staying tonight.
Well...
I was staying at some pub called The Lucky...
...Boat or something like that. - Boatman.
Right.
But now I'm going to stay at some friend's house with some friends.
Well, I think enormous castle is a more accurate description.
That's too bad because I'm at The Boatman.
Well, it was nice...
...not quite meeting you.
It was a great speech.
Thanks.
Well, I'm going now.
No! No, no, don't go.
We can meet now. The evening's just getting going.
We both know that's a big lie.
Fuck.
The castle beckons, I think, Tom. Are you sober?
Absolutely. Orange juice all night.
Come on.
Bye, everybody!
Bernard!
Stand by your man
Wah, wah, wah, wah
And tell the world You love him
And give him All the love you can
Stand by...
Tom, can you stop the car?
Stop the car!
Sorry. Sorry. I just think I might...
...stay in that pub after all.
Why on earth?
No, seriously. I'm researching pubs with "boat" in the title.
I hope to produce the definitive work.
- Please yourself. - It's a silly thing, you know?
Right.
Odd decision.
Hello.
Hi.
Turned out there wasn't room for all of us.
You said it was a castle.
No, it is a castle.
It's just a very, very small one.
Tiny. Just one up, one down, which is rare.
Drink, sir?
Yeah. I'd like a glass of whiskey, please. Thanks.
- Do you want? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Make another one for the lady. - Doubles, sir?
Thanks.
You here too? How are you?
Hello. I'm fine.
- Haven't seen Carrie, have you? - Who?
Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs.
Wedding guest. Nice smell.
No. Sorry.
Damn. Blast.
I think I was in there.
If you see her, could you tell her I've gone to my room?
Yeah, yeah.
- Your whiskey, sir. - Thank you.
And one for the...
Road. Lovely.
I think I might have one. Mind if I join you?
No. It'd be lovely.
Another glass of whiskey and a cigar.
Hold on. Make that a bottle.
We might as well settle in. Let's see if we can push on till dawn.
- Lovely wedding. - Yes, yes.
I was at school with his brother Bufty. Tremendous bloke.
He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless.
Taught me things about life.
Where you know him from?
University.
Splendid. Splendid. Yep.
I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point.
When you're working the money markets what use is Wordsworth gonna be?
Excuse me. Your wife says, "Could you come upstairs at once?"
Room 12, in case you can't remember.
- My wife? - Yes, sir.
Oh, my wife! My wife!
You are drunk. You can't remember you got a wife.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you mind if I? - No, no. Off you go.
- Best of luck. - Thanks.
Lucky bachelor me, I'll have another search for that Katie creature.
- Carrie. - That's the one. Damn fine filly.
I think I'm in there.
- Hi. - Hello.
Sorry about that.
That's fine. He was hard to get rid of.
Yeah.
So...
Maybe we could just...
...skulk around here for a bit, and then...
...go back down.
Now that's a thought. I don't usually skulk a lot...
...but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required.
Do you skulk regularly?
No. No, I don't normally...
...think of myself as a skulker, but...
Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while...
...and we'll see.
I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church...
...which is kind of strange.
Where I come from, kissing is very big.
Is it? Yes, well, you're right. We probably are more reserved.
"You may now kiss the bride," isn't in the book of common prayer.
I always worry I'll go too far in the heat of the moment.
How far do you think too far would be, then?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe...
That would be all right.
That would be fine.
In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.
Maybe this...
...would be better.
Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further.
I mean...
You know...
That might be taking it a little far.
What about this?
You think the vicar would think things had slipped a bit out of his control?
I think he might.
This kind of thing is really better suited...
...to the honeymoon than to the service itself.
Why do you think it's called a honeymoon?
I don't know. I suppose it's...
..."honey" because it's sweet as honey.
And "moon" because it was the first time...
...a husband got to see his wife's bottom.
What's happening?
I have to go.
- Where? - America.
That is a tragedy.
Just before I go...
...when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Sorry. Whose engagement?
Ours.
I assumed since we slept together, we'd be getting married.
What did you think?
What?
I...
Gosh, you know, that...
...takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing.
Obviously, I'm...
You're joking.
God! For a moment there, I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.
I thought you were Glenn Close and I'd find my pet rabbit on the stove.
No.
But I think we've both missed a great opportunity here.
Bye.
Oh, fuck!
Fuck.
Fuckity, fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
- Car or taxi? - Taxi. We could never park.
Car seems a good idea.
- Fuck. - Fuck.
Leave it. No one will notice.
Well...
...sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Yeah.
Who is it today?
One more, please.
They're ready to go.
In the name of the Father...
...and of the Son...
...and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Let us pray.
Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery...
...a symbol of Christ's love for His church.
Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia...
...through your son, Jesus Christ our lord...
...who lives and reigns with you...
...and the Holy goat.
Ghost.
One God, forever and ever. Amen.
It's his first time. He's a friend of the family.
- Excellent. - Bernard and Lydia...
...I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage.
Bernard, repeat after me:
I do solemnly declare...
...that I know not of any lawful impediment...
...why I, Lydia...
...why I, Bernard...
Sorry.
Why I...
...Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney...
Why I, Bernard Geoffrey "St. John" Delaney...
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Lydia John Hibbott.
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Lydia Jane Hibbott.
Lydia...
...repeat after me:
I do solemnly declare...
...that I know not of any lawful impediment...
...why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Bernard Geoffrey...
..."St. John" Delaney.
...to Bernard...
...Geoffrey...
...St. John Delaney.
I call upon those persons here present to witness...
...that I, Bernard...
...Delaney...
...that I, Bernard Delaney...
...do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
...to be my awful wedded wife.
...to be my lawful wedded wife.
That's r... That's right.
May almighty God bless you all.
The Father, the Son and the Holy spigot... Spirit.
Amen.
Bravo!
Thanks.
- We're coming, Bernie. - Up here!
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
That way? Yes, of course.
- Sorry. Could you two... - Tom, don't go away.
Sorry.
I've got a new theory about marriage.
Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly...
...one day they run out of conversation.
Totally. They can't think of a single thing to say to each other.
That's it. Panic.
Then suddenly...
...it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
- Which is? - He'll ask her to marry him.
Brilliant. Brilliant!
They've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
You're saying marriage is a way to get out of a pause in conversation.
The definitive icebreaker.
Tom, how's the speech coming along?
It's pretty good, I think. Something for everyone.
Tears, laughter.
Excellent.
I think it's a very good theory, Gareth.
There is another argument that it has something to do with true love.
Now there's a thought.
Can I help you, sir?
Can I have three glasses of brandy, please?
Hi.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine. Fine.
Yeah. Sorry, I'm overwhelmed to see you.
Look, don't go back to America. Please.
- Be back in two secs, okay? - Okay.
Hi, Fi.
That's yours and yours. See you in 5 hours.
- Something happened? - Yes. This is a bloody great wedding.
Hi.
Well, you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect.
- Well, how are you? - I'm really well.
Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiancé.
Excellent.
How do you do, Hamish? Delighted to meet you.
Charming to find Carrie back here.
It took lots of persuading.
Come on, darling, I told James I was getting you.
He'll think I've totally lost control over you already.
I'll see you later.
How are you doing, Charles?
Not great, actually, suddenly.
I don't know.
I mean...
What the hell's going on here? Why am I always at weddings...
...and never actually getting married, Matt?
It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.
Yeah.
Or it could also be because you haven't met the right girl.
But you see, is that it?
Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet them all the time.
- Maybe it's me. - Oh, nonsense.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen:
Dinner is served.
Come on. Odds on you meet your wife at dinner.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Charles?
Hi.
- Hello, I'm Alistair. - Great.
And I believe you know Veronica.
Yeah. Hi, V.
Nicki.
Great.
Tell me, are you married?
No.
Are you a lesbian?
Good lord!
Well, what made you say that?
It's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls.
It's a bit more interesting than saying:
"Oh, dear. Just never found the right chap."
Quite right.
Why be dull?
Thank you.
The truth is, I have met the right person, only he's not in love with me.
Until I stop loving him, no one stands a chance.
Bad luck.
Yes, isn't it?
I was a lesbian once at school...
...but only for 15 minutes. I don't think it counts.
There are 400 different kinds of tea...
...and that's not including all these so-called fruit teas.
I took Veronica to India to look at the plantations.
Excellent.
I believe you and her went there once.
That's right.
Charles was vile.
He insisted on cracking jokes while I was ill.
I was cheering you up.
You're that Veronica!
Which Veronica?
Charlie?
Remember Bombay?
When Charles and I were going out, he told me he'd had...
...this interesting journey around India...
...with Vomiting Veronica.
I think that was it.
I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe I did.
Oh, come on, Charles.
I don't think I've been out with anyone less discreet.
That's a bit of an exaggeration.
It is not.
I remember you going on about this girl. Helena was it?
Her mother made a pass at you.
I remember this!
You couldn't work out if it would be impolite not to accept her advances!
That's right!
Helena was Miss Piggy, so her mother was Mrs. Piggy.
I think perhaps it was...
We've both lost a lot of weight since then.
Ah, great. The speeches.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen...
...pray silence for the best man.
When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia...
...I congratulated him, because all his other girlfriends...
...had been such complete dogs.
May I say we are delighted to have so many of them here this evening.
I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla...
...who many of you will probably remember...
...as the first person Bernard asked to marry him.
If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off.
And lucky for Lydia that she did.
It's very disappointing.
We had the most adorable girl at our table called Carrie.
Apparently her fiancé's awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland.
- How are you? - I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.
Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.
If I see Henrietta, the horror will be complete.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, Hen. How are you?
Oh, Hen, I...
Why can't you leave her alone?
Haven't you hurt her enough?
Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people are not.
Hello.
Taxi!
Good night, sir.
Thank you.
I know. It's all right. Oh, God, this is wonderful.
Please.
Oh, wait a minute. This is no fun. I want to see my lovely husband!
Who's a very bad bridegroom, indeed?!
- Have you got a boyfriend? - Yes.
- What's his name? - Dolph. He's good at table tennis.
What about you?
No. Afraid not.
Why not?
I don't know.
Because most of the blokes I fancy...
...think I'm stupid and pointless...
...and so they just bonk me and then leave me.
And the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips.
I can't even be bothered to bonk them...
...which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.
What's bonking?
Well, it's kind of like table tennis...
...only with slightly smaller balls.
So good!
I love my wife!
And I love my husband!
Think we'd better be getting back?
Or we could just wait a few minutes and have another go.
Naughty...
...naughty little rabbit.
Found it.
Charles. Charles, we must talk.
Right. You're right.
The thing is, Charlie, I've spoken to lots of people about you.
And everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.
Am I?
You see, you're turning into a serial monogamist.
One girl after another, yet you'll never love anyone...
...because you never let them near you.
On the contrary, Hen...
You're affectionate to them and sweet to them.
Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.
- I did not. - You did.
I thought U2 was a type of submarine.
Well, their music has a naval quality.
Be serious, Charles. You must give people a chance.
You don't have to think, "I must get married."
But you mustn't start relationships thinking, "I mustn't get married."
Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along.
Oh, Charlie!
Oh, God, the way you used to look at me!
I just misread it, that's all.
I thought you were going to propose and you were working out how to leave.
No, no. I wasn't.
Oh, God. This is ridiculous.
- Hen... - No.
No, Hen! Hen!
No!
Having a good night?
Yes, yes.
It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.
I thought you'd gone.
No. Hamish has to take the Edinburgh sleeper.
I'm off now. Keep me company?
Here, please.
You want to come up for a nightcap?
You sure?
Yes. I think we can risk it.
I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute.
Sorry. Yeah, great.
Morning, Charles.
Breakfast's up.
Well, it's a bit burnt.
Excellent.
What are you up to today?
Oh, yeah.
I'm taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in my life...
...it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.
All I have to do is not be late for David.
I'm gonna go for a job.
A shop called Spank wants a sales assistant.
I think I'd be great.
They sell all this funny rubber stuff.
Oh, no.
Another wedding invitation...
...and a list. Lovely.
Well, they say rubber's mainly for perverts.
I don't know why. It's very practical, actually.
You spill anything on it, and it just comes off.
I suppose that could be why the perverts like it.
You all right?
Yeah, yeah.
It's that girl, Carrie. You remember...
...the American.
Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
Do you have the wedding list for Banks?
Certainly, sir.
Lots of beautiful things for around about the £1000 mark.
What about, things around the sort of £50 mark? Is there much?
Well, you could get that pygmy warrior over there.
This? Excellent.
If you could find someone to chip in the other £3950.
Or our carrier bags are £1.50 each.
Why don't you just get 33 of them?
Yes, well, I think I'll probably leave it.
Thanks very much. You've been very...
What'd you get?
Blimey!
Well, I never.
Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.
It's nice to see you.
This present thing is great.
I should've gotten married years ago.
Did anybody go for the pygmy?
The young man was thinking about it.
Oh, no!
Just get me an ashtray.
Are you free for about a half-hour?
Yeah. I'm supposed to meet my brother, but I can be a bit late.
Good, come with me. You have an important decision to make.
It's crucial that you mustn't laugh.
Okay, right.
What do you think?
Divine.
Bit of a meringue?
Oh, don't worry. We've only just begun.
What do you think?
You're kidding.
It would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
Maybe next time.
What do you think?
I knew it.
But with a staff, you could mind sheep.
Don't be rude.
It's a bit sexy, this.
Well...
...if I were your husband, I would die of pride.
You're right. It is dangerous.
There's nothing more off-putting than a priest with an enormous erection.
One strange thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else.
You don't think you'll be unfaithful?
No. Not once I'm married.
I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does, so I better stick to that.
Quite right.
Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.
What is a fair run these days down your way?
Oh, I don't know.
More than one.
Well, come on.
Tell me.
I've seen the dress. We have no secrets now.
Well...
The first one...
...of course not easily forgotten, was kind of nice.
Two: Hairy back.
Three, four, five...
Six was on my birthday in my parents' room.
- Which birthday? - 17th.
We've only reached 17?
I grew up in the country. Lots of rolling around in haystacks.
Okay, seven.
Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.
Nine: Against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.
I won't.
Ten was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...
Wonderful.
I hate him.
Eleven: Obviously, after 10, disappointing.
Twelve through 17: The university years.
Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys. Sexually speaking, a real low patch.
Eighteen broke my heart.
Years of yearning.
I'm sorry.
Twenty: Oh, my God, I can't believe I've reached 20.
Twenty-one: Elephant tongue.
Twenty-two kept falling asleep. That was my first year in England.
I do apologize.
Twenty-three and 24 together.
- That was something. - Seriously?
Twenty-seven: Now that was a mistake.
Suddenly, at 27, you make a mistake?
Well, yes, he kept screaming.
It was very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing.
But Spencer changed my mind. That's 28.
His father, 29.
His father?
Thirty...
Thirty-one, oh, my God.
Thirty-two was lovely.
And then my fiancé. That's 33.
Wow!
So I came after your fiancé?
No, you were 32.
So there you go.
Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I hope.
And you? How many have you slept with?
Christ. Nothing like that many.
I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time, actually.
Work, yeah, that's it, work. I have been working late a lot.
I wish I'd rung you...
...but then you never rang me.
You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.
Oh, bollocks!
Help me, please. Please.
Carrie, this is David, my brother.
Hi.
I was just telling him about you marrying Hamish...
...and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.
- Where are you doing it? - Scotland.
He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.
You should come to the wedding too.
I want many friends there to make up for the stiffs that Hamish knows.
Well, you better go in.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Fuck it.
Look.
Sorry, sorry.
I just, well... This is a really stupid question...
...particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion.
But, I just wondered if by any chance...
Obviously not, because I'm a git who's only slept with nine people.
But I just wondered...
I really feel...
In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version...
...in the words of David Cassidy, in fact...
...while he was with The Partridge Family...
...I think I love you.
I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to...
No, no, no. Of course not.
I'm an idiot, he's not.
Excellent. Excellent. Fantastic.
Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on.
Fuck!
That was very romantic.
Well, I thought it over a lot. I wanted to get it just right.
Important to have said it, I think.
Said what, exactly?
Said...
...you know, what I just said about...
...David Cassidy.
You're lovely.
It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationship of conjugal love.
It was ordained for the welfare of human society...
... which can be strong and happy...
... only when the marriage bond is held in honor.
Into this holy estate...
...these two persons now desire to enter.
Wherefore if anyone can show any just cause...
...why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage...
...let him now declare it.
Sorry.
Please rise.
Do you, Hamish...
...take this woman, Caroline, to be your wedded wife?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation...
...promise and covenant to be to her, a loving and faithful husband...
...until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Do you, Caroline...
...take this man, Hamish, to be your wedded husband?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation...
...promise and covenant to be to him a loving and faithful wife...
...until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
- Awfully nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
How do you do?
Hello.
You look beautiful.
- Not a meringue in sight. - Thanks.
Blimey.
It's Brigadoon. It's bloody Brigadoon!
Dear old things, as you know...
...I've always been proud there isn't a wedding ring between the lot of us.
Over the passing of years, it's suddenly beginning to distress me.
I'd like to go to the wedding of someone I really loved, for a change.
Don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know.
You haven't ask me.
- Haven't I? - No.
Oh, Scarlett.
Would you like to?
No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask.
Well, anytime.
Quite right, Tom. That's the spirit.
Tonight, these are your orders:
Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives.
Excellent plan. What do you think, Fifi?
Spot a potential hubby in the throng?
- Bugger off, Tom. - Quite right.
A toast before we go into battle.
To true love.
In whatever shape or form it may come.
May we all in our dotage be proud to say:
"I was adored once too."
- True love. - True love!
Apparently, an enormous number of people...
...actually bump into their future spouses at weddings.
Which is interesting.
Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.
Good lord, I seem to have finished my drink. If you'll excuse me.
Hello. My name's Scarlett.
Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble.
What's your name?
My name's Rhett.
No.
Not really!
No, not really. In fact, it's Chester.
You kidder.
I always imagine Americans are going to be dull as shit.
I mean, of course you're not, are you?
Steve Martin's American, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
You're lovely.
Come on!
Hello, Charles.
Oh, Hen. Hi.
I'm sorry. I couldn't really bear a scene today.
I know we probably got tons to talk about.
Did I behave that atrociously last time?
- Remember the shower scene in Psycho? - Yeah.
Scarier.
Oh, God, I'm depressed, Hen. How are you?
I'm cheerful, actually. I weigh almost nothing.
And I've got a divine new boyfriend.
- Perhaps we should've married. - Good God, no.
I'd have had to marry your friends. I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona.
Fiona loves you.
Fiona calls me duckface.
Well, I never heard that.
Look, darling, come to lunch soon.
Give me a ring, okay? Oh, still cute!
How's duckface?
Good form, actually. Not too mad.
Ladies and gentlemen:
The bride and groom.
You like this girl, don't you?
Yes.
Yes, it's a...
It was a strange thing when at last it happens.
And...
...she's marrying someone else.
How about you, Fifi?
You identified a future partner for life yet?
No need, really.
The deed is done.
I've been in love with the same bloke for ages.
Have you?
Who's that?
You, Charlie.
It's always been you.
Since first we met...
...oh so many years ago.
I knew the first moment.
Across a crowded room.
Or lawn, in fact.
Doesn't matter.
There's nothing either of us can do. Such is life.
Friends isn't...
...bad, you know? Friends is quite something.
Oh, Fi.
It's not all easy, is it?
No.
Just forget this business. Not to be.
Matthew, darling.
Where's Gareth?
Torturing Americans.
How thoughtful of him.
Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
Not personally, no.
But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you.
Shall we dance?
Well, any rings on fingers?
Oh, Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are.
Finding someone to marry is a very tricky business.
It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped with a Minnesotan evangelist.
Come down, sweet Jesus, and cast out the devil!
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen...
...please charge your glasses.
First, and rather unusually, we have the bride.
Excellent. I love this girl.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank all of you who flew in from the States.
I'm really touched.
For you others, I'd have thought lots of frightful Americans flying in...
...was an excuse for staying away, so I thank you too.
If my darling dad had been here today...
...he would have been speaking now.
I know he would have said: "Great dress, babe...
...but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?"
And I would have given him the same answer that I give you:
"Because I love him."
As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad:
"Love is the answer.
And you know that for sure."
One more thing:
Someone told me here, that if things with Hamish didn't work out...
...that he'd step in. So thanks, and I'll keep you posted.
Bravo!
And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen: Sir Hamish Banks.
Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years...
...has gotten used to being upstaged by a woman.
I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day.
However, I must also say...
...that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by this woman...
...for the rest of my life.
Some barracking at the back again? Something we politicians are used to.
- Shit. Find a doctor. - Right. Okay.
First, I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids.
You did your duty superbly.
I intend to use you every time I get married from now on.
I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish...
...who did the flowers in the church.
The stern old building took on a look of flushing youth today.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline.
I thought to myself, "If by any chance she's shortsighted...
...I might just be happy for the rest of my life."
I thought I could see my future for the first time.
It was a joyful one...
...for years and years to come.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For they are jolly good fellows
And so say all of us
Good morning, and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day.
Our service will begin in a few minutes.
But first we have asked Matthew...
...Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words.
Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings.
He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony...
...one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in.
In order to prepare this speech, I rang people to get a general picture...
...of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him.
"Fat" seems to have been a word people most connected with him.
"Terribly rude" also rang a lot of bells.
"So very fat and very rude" seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint.
On the other hand, some of you have rung me to say that you loved him...
...which I know he would have been thrilled to hear.
You remember his fabulous hospitality.
His strange experimental cooking.
The recipe for duck à la banana...
...fortunately goes with him to his grave.
Most of all...
...you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy.
And when joyful...
When joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness.
But I hope joyful is how you will remember him.
Not stuck in a box in a church.
Pick your favorite of his waistcoats and remember him that way.
The most splendid...
...replete...
...big-hearted...
Weak-hearted, as it turned out.
- And jolly bugger most of us ever met.
As for me, you may ask how I will remember him.
What I thought of him.
Unfortunately, there I run out of words.
Forgive me if I turn from my own feelings...
...to the words of another splendid bugger:
W.H. Auden.
This is actually what I want to say:
"Stop all the clocks.
Cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum...
...bring out the coffin.
Let the mourners come.
Let the airplanes circle, moaning overhead...
...scribbling on the sky the message:
He is dead.
Put great bows around the white necks of the public doves.
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my north, my south, my east and west.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever...
...I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now...
... put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
Bye, now.
I'll take you home, Scarlett.
It's good of you to come.
Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history.
No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.
That thing you said in the street?
Yes. I'm sorry about that.
No, I liked it.
I liked you saying it.
Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?
Yeah.
Darling Fi.
Walk, Charlie?
Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.
Never felt like that. I mean, something vaguely similar for Jilly...
...when I was young.
Jilly?
Labrador.
Yes, it's odd, isn't it?
For years we've been single and proud and never noticed...
...that two of us were, for all intents and purposes, married all this time.
Traitors in our midst.
You know, in a way, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you?
I hope I die before my children.
Tom...
...there's one thing I find really...
It's your total confidence that you will get married.
I mean, what if you never find the right girl?
Sorry?
Surely, if that service shows anything...
...it shows that there is a perfect match.
If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew...
...maybe we should just let it go.
Some of us are not going to get married.
Well, I don't know, Charlie.
The truth is, unlike you...
...I never expected the thunderbolt.
I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl...
...like the look of her.
Hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick.
Then pop the question...
...and settle down and be happy.
It worked for my parents.
Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
I'll give you six months at the outside, Tom.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe all this "waiting for one true love" stuff...
...gets you nowhere.
What the fuck is going on?
I thought we better make absolutely sure we weren't late.
Excellent wedding hairstyle.
Matthew: The best-looking best man in the world.
Listen...
...thank you for doing this today.
Of course.
I wish Gareth was here.
Bet he does too.
I'm sorry I was so late. The others are just parking the car.
I thought we'd all go with Tom.
Late? So late?
Yeah, it's 9:45.
- 9:45? - Yep, 45 minutes till "I do."
Bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for 8:00.
Fuck it!
Fuck!
Scarlett.
- Oh, hi. - You ready?
Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds.
- Time? - Honestly?
Yes! Time?!
About 10 to 9:00.
Bastards.
Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please.
1, 2, 3, smile!
This is splendid tuck.
Yes, I think I might say a little word.
As many of you know, I've closely observed Charles' love life for years.
Recently, I'd started to despair and fear that he was married to us.
Apart from the fact that we won't have his babies.
I don't know about that.
Fortunately, it's turned out splendidly.
The girl in question is sadly crazy...
...but perhaps that's why he loves her.
I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl...
...on this tragic day.
So be happy and don't forget us.
Thank you.
To Charles and duckface.
To Charles and duckface!
- What do you think? - You look divine.
It does work, doesn't it?
Yes.
I thank Fiona for those charming words about my future wife.
I'd like to take this opportunity...
...to read a little message from her to you all.
This is exciting.
She says, "If any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you."
I think that's rather a nice touch.
"I'll set the dogs on you."
John, hi.
You made it. Good.
I hope me damn sister turns up. Not much of a wedding without a bride.
Bit of a poor show, you not having a stag night.
We did. We did.
We didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age.
Really?
Fi, you do look lovely today.
Yes, as you can see I've abandoned my traditional black.
Yes, so you have.
From now on, I shall be all the colors of the rainbow...
...and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change.
Darling Fi.
- Look. - What?
Lipstick everywhere. That won't do at all.
Hi. Hi.
Good luck.
Hello. Glad you could come.
How are you?
Groom's on the right. Bride's, left.
Groom on the right. Bride on the left.
Oh, my God!
I thought you'd gone back to Texas.
Without you, never.
Good luck.
The bride or groom?
Bride or groom?
It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither.
Great God!
Bride or groom?
Bride.
Yes...
...fine.
I've got a feeling we've met before.
We have. About 25 years ago.
I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre. You're Tom.
Good lord!
- So you're family. - Yes.
Only very distant.
Well, yes, of course.
You said you were bride?
Yes.
Well, do sit.
Do sit here, Deirdre.
Golly.
Thunderbolt city.
Hello, Matthew.
- Hello, Charles. - Bernard, how are you?
Exhausted, actually.
- That's funny. Charles. - Hello, Lyd.
Hi.
You look lovely.
But I always did like you dressed for weddings.
- And on time! - Yep! Extraordinary thing, isn't it?
How's Hamish?
Oh, he's fine, I believe.
You believe?
Well, yes, he wasn't the man for me after all.
You left him?
We left each other.
When?
A few months now.
March was hell. By April, it was sordid.
That's the last time I marry someone three times my age.
Charlie? Charles, time to travel.
Yeah. Yeah.
Coming. Good.
Good.
So why didn't you get in touch, then?
I did think about it.
I wanted to, but...
I was in a state.
So anyway, I don't want to keep you.
And I'll see you afterwards.
Yeah. Fine, excellent.
Wait.
I'll show you to your seat.
Just showing her to her seat.
Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?
It's been bad, yes.
It's been a disaster.
It has, as you say, been...
...very bad indeed.
God, it's lovely to see you.
Well, good luck.
It's pretty easy.
Just say "I do" whenever anyone asks you a question.
Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?
Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.
Dear lord, forgive me for what I'm about to...
...say in this magnificent place of worship.
Bugger!
Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!
Bugger!
Can I help at all?
Huh? No. Thanks.
Sorry.
Vocal exercises. Big church.
Excellent. Often do the same myself.
Not exactly the same vocab, obviously.
Rather more hallelujahs.
I'll leave you.
Bride's arriving.
Fabulous! We seem to have lost the groom.
Stall her, and I'll see if I can find him.
Roger. Wilco.
Charles.
It's good to see you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Matt, what do we think about marriage?
Gosh.
Well, I think it's really good...
...if you love the person with all your heart.
Well, exactly.
Quite.
All these weddings. All these years.
All that blasted salmon and champagne.
Here I am on my own wedding day...
...and I'm still thinking.
Can I ask about what?
No.
No, I think best not.
I'm sorry, there's a delay. A problem with the flowers.
Flowers? What?
Unfortunately, there are a high proportion of hay fever sufferers...
...who've been stuck right by the damn flowers.
So we're moving the congregation.
Don't want the vows obliterated by sneezing.
Would it be out of place for me to say time's ticking by?
Should've started by now.
I think I've fooled them so far.
If you have a reputation for being stupid, people are less suspicious.
Hello.
Here you are.
Ready to face the enemy?
Are we?
Yes.
Excellent.
Not so tight, Dad!
Dearly beloved...
...we are gathered together here in the sight of God...
...and in the face of this congregation...
...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony...
...which is an honorable estate...
...instituted of God in the time of man's innocence.
Signifying unto us the mystical union...
...that is betwixt Christ and His church...
...and therefore is not by any to be enterprized...
...nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly...
...but reverently, discreetly, advisedly...
...soberly, and in the fear of God.
Therefore, if any man can show any just cause...
...why they may not lawfully be joined together...
...let him speak now or else hereafter...
...forever hold his peace.
I'm sorry, does someone have something to say?
Yes? What is it?
One second.
What's going on?
- He wants me to translate. - What is he saying?
He says, "I suspect the groom is having doubts.
I suspect the groom would like to delay."
"I suspect the groom..."
What's he saying?
He says...
...he suspects the groom...
...loves someone else.
And do you?
Do you love someone else? Do you, Charles?
I do.
Get out of my way!
Let me kill him!
Blimey.
At least it's one we won't forget.
A lot of weddings just blend into each other.
Oh, for God's sake.
This one will stick out in the memory.
For not actually including a wedding service.
Poor girl.
No, I mean it, poor girl! She's not my favorite person...
...but what you did today might be unforgivable.
I can't bear to think about it.
Poor Hen.
Though, let's face facts.
If you weren't sure you wanted to marry her today...
...of all days, i.e., your wedding day...
...then it must be the right decision, mustn't it?
Quite right, Tom.
It was a lovely dress. Useful for parties.
What did he say, Charles?
Says he blames himself.
Absolutely not.
No, you mustn't, David.
No, no. If there's music to be faced...
...I should be facing it.
Hello.
Hi! You're soaking. Come in.
No, no. I'm fine.
Comes a point you can't get wetter.
- Okay, I'll come out. - No, please don't.
I just wanted to check you're okay.
Not busy killing yourself or anything, but...
But you're fine, so...
I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry.
No! No!
Wait. It was all my fault. I mean, I'm the bastard here.
And it definitely sorted out one thing, which is, marriage and me...
...we're very clearly not meant for one another.
Sorted out another big thing as well.
There I was, standing there in the church...
...and for the first time in my whole life I realized I...
...totally and utterly loved one person.
And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil, it's...
...the person standing opposite me now...
...in the rain.
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
The truth of it is...
...I've loved you from the first second I met you.
You're not suddenly going away again, are you?
No. I might drown, but otherwise, no.
Okay, okay. We'll go in.
But first, let me ask you one thing.
Do you think...
...after we've dried off...
...after we've spent lots more time together...
...you might agree...
...not to marry me?
And do you think...
...not being married to me might be something you could consider...
...doing for the rest of your life?
Do you?
I do.